This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
