my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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