haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
