i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
