I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
