Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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