i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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