So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
