When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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