My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
