You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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