How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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