So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
