Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Randomize
