I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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