Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
