So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
