Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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