nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
