I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Randomize
