This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
