at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
