They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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