THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
