I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
