In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i out mim tonsoeep
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