There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
