when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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