Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
