Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
