You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
