My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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