Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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