your thong is hanging out like whoa
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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