I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
