So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
