You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You're completely useless in the revolution.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
