I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
