I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You made out with two different species that night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
