Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
