True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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