fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
id be glad to
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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