Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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