So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
