My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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