bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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