i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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