legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
