You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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