youre lurking in front of me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
