i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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