Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
