I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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