tell your sister to shave her snatch
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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